Etiquette for New York City Subway Riders

As a daily rider of the New York City subway system, I feel more than entitled to offer my suggestions to have an enjoyable subway ride for yourself as well as those around you. If you keep these things in mind after swiping your MetroCard, then you can ensure that you are making the subway a better place for all.

• PLEASE BATHE Yes, that is the number one thing that riders can do to ensure that being packed into a car with hundreds of strangers is slightly more enjoyable. It has happened to all of us Metrocard holders. As the car comes into the station, it is obviously filled to capacity but you look around at the station to see at least 30 or 40 additional riders who are as determined as you are to force themselves into the train. You know it's going to be tighter than Britney Spears' hot pants, but you are going to get on that car. You push little Asian ladies out of the way and pretend you don't see the pregnant woman standing beside you and squeeze inside. As the doors close, leaving part of your bag outside the car, you grin with contentment knowing you made it on. The car pulls out of the station and you take a deep breath and sigh with satisfaction. It is then that you notice that the armpit that your face is inside of smells like a bottle of milk mixed with pickle juice that set in the sun for three days. Not fun. You realize that you should have let that blind guy onto the car after all.

• DON'T EAT ON THE TRAIN First of all, it's nasty. I cannot understand why anyone would want to eat their meal while riding the Germ Express, but people do. All the time. It is just plain rude to force yourself in between two strangers and then proceed to eat your fried chicken combo meal from Popeye's. Most people don't even want to smell their own coleslaw, so why would anyone want to smell Popeye's coleslaw while on their way to work at 7:00 in the morning. And WHY are you eating fried chicken combos at 7:00 in the morning? I once saw a family of five spread out a bunch of napkins on the seats of the F train and eat Chinese food. The F train is not the place to have a picnic, people. Take it outside.
• DON'T TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE. OR AT ALL We live in an age where we feel the need to be in constant contact with everything and everyone. Just a few short years ago, we didn't have the option of sitting on the subway and gabbing away on the telephone about what we will have for dinner or or who we slept with last night. If you are unfortunate enough to rely on an above ground train, then you are bombarded with the obnoxious cell phone user. STOP TALKING SO LOUD. Sure, maybe you need to call work to tell them you might be late, okay. But I don't want to hear you arguing about who's turn it is to walk the dog while I am trying to read my paper and have some down time before work starts at the office. Send a text if you must reach out and touch someone. And while we are at it, change your ringtone. Ghostface Killa is not an appropriate ringtone. Neither is the theme to I Dream of Jeanne or your own recorded voicing saying "ring ring ring". They are all annoying and if people are sitting next to you on the train, they want you to have it on vibrate anyway. And then don't answer it. And don't talk to anyone else on the train. Silence is golden on the 7 train, it really is.

• TAKE YOUR TRASH WITH YOU Just because you may dress like a piece of garbage does not mean that it's okay to leave garbage in the train. The subway platforms have garbage cans all over them so there is no excuse to not use them. If you are reading a magazine and one of those subscription cards falls out of it, don't pretend you didn't see it. We know you did. Pick it up. If I see it happen I will yell across the car that you accidentally dropped something and then you will have to acknowledge it. I will say it loud in a really helpful voice so that everyone will hear it and then look to see what you dropped and then you will be forced to pick it up or admit to everyone that is looking at you that you are agreeing to litter because you are a rude person. After you eat lunch on the train (because you ignored rule number 2 above) it is NOT okay to leave your chicken bones, peanut shells, Coke bottles, candy wrappers or any other crap on the seat beside you. And just because you knock it to the floor and then push it under the seat doesn't make it better. That's not a garbage can either. If you bring it onto the train, then take it off when you go. This includes any bodily fluids or solids that you may feel the need to dispose of while riding including, but not limited to, spit, boogers. urine, vomit, feces, nail clippings or hair from your hairbrush.

These are just a few of the things that can make your daily subway ride a better experience for all. Please print this hub for your records and carry it with you at all times. It is very important to follow this advice so that the next time I am on the 6 train I am not tempted to strangle you. I do not need that to happen again.